Zombie Survival Tip 4

In this ongoing series of how to defend yourself against the undead using everyday household objects, we have overlooked the role that houseplants can play in slaying the undead.  Your household fern, flowering plant, or cacti can be used in the battle against the army of the undead.  Please follow the steps outlined below for ways to make these decorative accents in your house into deadly weapons of Zombie destruction.

Preparation

1 houseplant. 

If you have a green thumb and have several at the ready, please line up as many houseplants as you can.  The size or variety does not matter.  Chia Pets tend to irritate Zombies (as they tend to most human beings).  Avoid using them at all costs.

1 chainsaw
1 baseball
1 baseball bat
1 baseball glove

Procedure

1. Get the attention of a Zombie who might be passing by.  This should be fairly easy to do by whistling or shouting in the Zombie's general direction: "Hey!  Don't pass up this tasty meal."

2. Set houseplant in the path of the Zombie.  Zombie should be interested enough to acknowledge the plant in their path.

3. While the Zombie is preoccupied with the plant, kick Zombie squarely in the groin.  Be certain to avoid getting your foot intercepted with the Zombie's mouth.

4. As the Zombie stumbles and fall over, they should have their neck exposed.  Start up chainsaw and saw off Zombie's neck.  You may want to wear some sort of protective covering so as not to get too much blood.

5. Your job is done.  You can now play a game of baseball with the other survivors of the Zombie outbreak.  You deserve a rest, so relax and enjoy yourself before you have to repeat steps 1-4.